Dear Lord, I LOVE professional wrestling…
Over the weekend of NXT Takeover: Brooklyn II and WWE SummerSlam 2016, two very under-qualified pro wrestling bloggers won and briefly held a legitimate Japanese pro wrestling championship, previously held by Rey Mysterio (Jr.), Asuka (Kana) and Zack Sabre Jr. (as well as by household pets, various inanimate objects and an invisible guy). This is NOT a joke, and I LOVE it!
UPROXX’s Bill Hanstock was interviewing Joey Ryan, who was the DDT Ironman Heavymetalweight Championship (yes, THAT’S the real name of the title), which is a title that can be won anywhere at any time for any reason, 24/7, as long as a referee is present. So, once Bill found out about that, he swung his tripod at Ryan and won the championship.
However, while celebrating with Pro Wrestling Editor Brandon Stroud with a bad dance party (and I’m talking Austin Ares/Triple H BAD dance party), and Stroud captured the title with a rolling forearm. Soon thereafter, the championship was back in the hands of Ryan via a waterboarding in a car wash. Again, NO JOKE.
You know, I have to be honest with you: that whole night is kind of a blur. I knew about the Heavymetalweight Championship; of course I did. But sitting there with it right in front of me, an actual pro wrestling title within my reach — I sort of entered a fugue state and allowed my pro wrestling lizard brain to take over. Did I lure Joey Ryan into this sit-down interview with the express purpose of taking his championship? Well, that is quite an accusation, hypothetical reader! To that, I can only respond … Is that Virgil?!
I don’t consider this a cheapshot on my good friend Bill, I’ve just watched so much wrestling that I can’t dance with someone without instructing them to spin in place so they’ll instruct me to spin in place so I’ll have camouflage for the first 3/4 of a rolling elbow. I was just trying to have a mug of alcohol or whatever with famous actress Katelyn Renee on my first night in Hollywood, but I guess that’s where Championship Wrestling is from, so what can you do? I feel like I shouldn’t feel bad about tapping out to a possible drowning, but I made it onto the Wikipedia page and that makes me as prestigious as blowup doll, three Japanese elementary school children and a Pro Wrestling Wave poster.