The Best Review for ‘Aliens: Colonial Marines’…ugh.

File:AliensColonialMarinesBox.pngOh boy, now we’re talking about this one. It’s no question that the biggest disappointment in gaming from 2013 was the release of Aliens: Colonial Marines. After more than a decade in development and suffering through delays, layoffs, cancellations and un-cancellations (if that’s even a word; I don’t know), the game still looked very promising in preview screenshots, videos and gameplay; heck, I got to play a preview version of the game at the GameStop Expo in 2012, and it was wonderful.  Then, the game came out. The game included numerous bugs, bad ally and enemy A.I., unbalanced gameplay, low quality graphics in the single-player game, a crude and poorly implemented co-op multiplayer mode, and lack of a continuity with the Alien films (despite the developer’s claims that the game is supposed to be canon to the films). However, a Steam user essentially wrote a review describing his feelings on the game, and it’s by far the best review I’ve read of the game.

Aliens: Colonial Marines Was This Disappointing

Steam user “StefJamEX” writes:

I’ve had my heart broken several times in my life. Once, on Christmas Day 1989, I eagerly ran downstairs and gasped at the sight of what was clearly a crudely but lovingly wrapped skateboard. A skateboard that I had wanted ever since I had seen Marty McFly cruise through the streets of Hill Valley as a stowaway behind an unsuspecting SUV driver. A skateboard with a custom deck, with artwork that would cause my fellow skaters to shout “rad”. A skateboard whose wheels would send me gliding across the streets as I headed for the nearest half-pipe. A skateboard of majestical proportion.

I grabbed it, and with shaking hands and a heart beating against my chest, I tore that festive wrapping as hard as I could. Through an intricate web of sticky tape, ribbon and ever expanding wrapping paper, I dug through. Years later, I wondered that this is what Andy in The Shawshank Rdemption must have felt like as he dragged hinself through the tunnels. My own redemption was in sight. My prize was near. Finally, the last shred of packaging fell away to the floor. And there it was… a plastic skateboard from the local store. With stiff plastic wheels. And a picture of a clown on the deck.

That’s what playing Aliens: Colonial Marines felt like.

 

I’d say that’s fairly accurate.

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